After Hours Menu:
Pig in a Blanket - 100
Kobe Burger - 150
Wagyu Burger - 200
Filet Mignon - 350*
Surf + Turf - 500*
Beef Wellington - 650*
Prix Fixe Menu - (Market)**
* By Reservation Only
** Deposit Required
I press send as I look at Moe who already has one hand on the receiver. It rings. He picks up, ‘In Room Dining,’ and taps his little brown fingers against the punch system placing the real order that prints a ticket in the kitchen where Otis rips it off the machine and fires up the stove as he runs to the pantry for fresh meat. I’m still looking at Moe who’s still on the phone buttering up the guest and reassuring them that they will be getting exactly what they order in 20 to 45 minutes. He hangs up, pulls out his moleskin, logs the information, and tucks it back into his breast pocket. Grabbing a yellow sticky note he scribbles with a pink scented ballpoint pen and hands me the note.
1214 - Kobe - XY
I throw the yellow sticky note onto the glowing hot grill, which vaporizes into flying ash before Otis returns with a beef patty. Rolling a shiny silver tray Moe preps a wooden brown serving tray, dressing it with a white paper sheet water marked and sealed with fancy weaving and hotel emblems. I add a prefixed silverware napkin combo along with the United Colors of Condiments: Ketchup, Mayo, Fancy Mustard, and Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper - little witnesses to expensive gourmet food that will never be eaten.
As Otis flips the beef patty I run to the empty restroom where I hang my pants and underwear on the doorknob. Kneeling on the marble counter top I wash my penis with organic cucumber honey soap. I rinse and step off the counter top shaking from side to side throwing water beads from one wall to the other. I pull my underwear back on and manage to zip my pants just as the overnight cleaning guy rolls a mop bucket through door and empties it into the toilet. I wash my hands and dry off with the Dyson blade and walk back to the kitchen.
Sliding a porcelain plate through the heating window the burger sizzles hot breath as Moe crowns it with a silver cover. Rolling the push cart towards me, he adjusts my bow tie and slips two mini Altoids into my mouth and I make way towards the service elevator. Pressing 12 I watch the elevator doors close and catch my reflection on the mirrored walls. I breathe in the smell of the medium rare Kobe Beef, truffle fries, and kosher pickles as my stomach grumbles an internal fart. Ding! The doors swing open.
The door slowly opens and I push the food cart onto hardwood floors as a white man with salt and pepper hair in a bathrobe appears from behind. I park the food cart by a long soft white leather couch and quickly undo my uniform, carefully folding and hanging my pants and shirt off a recliner with my shoes and socks tucked between its mahogany wooden legs. I tell him to have a seat as I lower down the lights and walk slowly back to his claws reaching to unwrap my underwear as he quickly eats his dinner. After I finish, I hand him a napkin off the food tray and put my uniform back on, smooth out any wrinkles and double knotting eat shoe lace. Just as I manage to link my clip-on bow tie, the old man returns with an envelope and a smile. I tell him good night and roll the food cart out the door.
Back in the kitchen I park the food cart on the corner and hand the check to Moe. He takes the signed receipt and stores in the drawer. Opening the envelope I take $30 out and hand it to Moe, who gives me a yellow sticky note in return.
1500 - Surf + Turf - XX/XY
Before I can throw the sticky note on the grill, Moe hits my leg with a silver food cart loaded with two trays, champagne flutes, and an ice bucket. He hands me a room key and whispers in my ear, ‘1507’. I take the food cart and roll it into the service elevator and emptying out on the 15th floor. Swiping the room key in 1507 I carefully strip off my uniform and take a quick shower and towel off while brushing my teeth. I fix my bow tie and dig my feet into my shoes and roll the cart out the door.
Reaching the suite I notice the door’s been propped open, I give it three knocks, and roll the cart right inside where I find a man sitting on a white leather chair with a snifter in one hand and a cigarette on the other. A younger woman joins us, just as the door closes, her long blonde hair hangs like canopy on a body wrapped in red lace. She smiles and asks that I take a seat. I do what she commands and she opens the bottle of champagne and pours three glasses, dropping a blue pill in two flutes, and a purple on the other. Handing me a glass she whispers in ear my and tells me she’s ready to play.
The blonde stands me to my feet and starts undressing me, throwing my shirt, then my shoes and socks, and pants on a corner. The man just sits and watches as the blonde grabs me with two hands and hugs me with her lips. He sits and watches as I she kneels on the couch and spreads her legs for me to eat her in between. As my jaws start to drool down my throat I feel his hand on my shoulder, I turn around see him holding out a condom on his palm. Standing I meet him his eyes, as he tears the gold foil wrapper and unrolls his finger tips stop. He turns me around and taps my shoulder as he sits back on the white leather chair.
He just sits there and watches, as the blonde rides me up and down - her gaze never leaving his eyes. Laying her back against the couch, I get between her with her legs on my shoulders digging deeper with every thrust, she moans and moistens, and bends, yet stays in a trance with the pair of grey eyes sitting on the leather chair. For a moment I catch a glance at the dark haired man carrying a soft smirk and eager eyes. She cums and detaches herself off of me curling in a fetal position as I stand to meet the man handing me my underwear. I get dressed as he signs the check and hands me an envelope that looks thicker than it should. I told him her ordered the Surf + Turf, but meant to just order the Filet. He says its no mistake and he would like to make a future reservation for next week. I wish them both a good night and roll the service out of the room.
Back in 1507, I take off my uniform quickly and hop in the shower as I unroll the yellow condom off me I realize I’m still hard so I jerk off with the organic honey cucumber soap until I cum and watch the sperm beads disappear in the drain. Drying myself I try to wrap a towel around my wait but I can’t without pitching a tent large enough for the Big Apple Circus. I’m still hard, but not just regular hard, steroids hard. Looking in the mirror my dick looks like a Guido’s fist pumping arm with my foreskin stretching like shirt two sizes two small. I pick up the room phone and dial the extension for In Room Dining and Moe picks up.
Paulo: We kinda have a problem.
Moe: What’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay?
Paulo: I’m fine. But my dick’s not.
Moe: What’s wrong with your dick? You can’t get it up tonight?
Paulo: No, I can’t keep it down!
Moe: (Laughs) You want me to help you out?
Paulo: I’ve told you this before Moe, I’m not gay!
Moe: Oh Honey’, you gay for pay!
Paulo: Not now Moe. I think I accidentally took some Viagra.
Moe: This is too funny. Bitch’ I’ll be right up!
I open the mini bar fridge and stick myself into the ice box on top left corner until my dick turns blue. Pulling it out I run back to the bathroom and take another hot shower and dry off, hanging the towel off my mood ring penis to get it down, but it won’t. The door opens and Moe walks in bathroom.
Moe: Nice towel rack!
Paulo: It’s not funny!
Moe: Let me see! (Takes off towel) Oh shit! Bitch’ yo’ dick is purple!
Paulo: Fuck! What do I do?
Moe: We need to call you an ambulance!
Paulo: I don’t want to leave this hotel in a fucking ambulance!
Moe: I’ll get you a taxi!
Paulo: I don’t want to go there alone!
Moe: We both can’t leave the hotel, but I’ll get one of the cocktail waitresses to take you.
Paulo: What?! You out of your fucking mind!
Moe: Between the real orders and the sex orders we’re slammed! Bitch’ if I didn’t care about you too much, I’d use your dick all night, but someone’s got to put in the over time!
Paulo: Just get me a fucking cab!
Moe: I’ll call you when it’s ready. By the way, where’s my cut!
Paulo: The envelope is on the bathroom counter, just get me a fucking cab before my dick falls off!
Moe takes $100 out of the envelope and tells me to get dressed. I tell him I can barely put on my underwear, let alone pants, so he hands me a bathrobe and runs out of the door. I stuff my wallet in the bathrobe and try to tie my shoes without poking an eye out. As I reach to tie the bathrobe I realize I’m back in the circus and grab the duvet to cover myself like a 13 year boy who just go caught jerking off. The phone rings and Moe tells me to take the service elevator the 2nd floor and to go down stair case B and exit out the side entrance. I do exactly as he says and meet him on the street with a yellow cab. A familiar face with long brown hair and almond brown eyes she smiles as she opens the door. I slowly step in one foot at a time, careful to not poke the touch screen pad as the taxi takes off.
Sam: I don’t think we’ve ever met before I’m Sam.
Paolo: Paolo. Thanks again for taking me to the hospital.
Sam: No, of course! Moe told me you might have walking pneumonia.
Paolo: What?! No, I’m fine.
Sam: Then why are we going to the hospital?
Paolo: (Uncovers) This.
Sam: Holy Shit!
Paolo: Sorry he lied to you.
Sam: It’s just so big! My god!
Paolo: That’s just the Viagra.
Sam: Why is it so purple and blue? It looks like a zombie arm coming out of grave!
Paolo: That’s the Viagra.
Sam: (Laughs) I’m sorry, but that’s just really funny!
Paolo: (To the driver) Can you hurry up please?!
We get to the ER and Sam helps me fill out paperwork as I can’t bend over or lean on a desk, let alone hold a clipboard properly. Surrounded by sleeping homeless people and junkies we wait listening to the radio show, ‘The Light at Night with Delilah’. Sam explains to me how Delilah mocks her caller’s problems through the song choice she dedicates to their issues and after three to five songs I’ve realized she’s right. We laugh and she tells me about how much she hates working at the roof top bar, but it’s better than having sex for money, even though every night it’s starting to be a better idea than having to deal with drunk assholes grabbing your ass for a $5 tip. I tell her money doesn’t solve your problems, but a doctor might. We laugh again.
The nurse calls my name and I have to tell them that’s she’s my girlfriend so she can come into triage, where the nurse disrobes me and nearly faints as she sees the giant third arm that’s grown from by ball sack. She has me stand on the scale but my boner makes it difficult with my dong touching its ice cold giraffe neck. She tells me it’s be best to not check my blood pressure and hands me a blue polka-dot gown to change into, but the only way for me to wear it is to wear it backwards with the back fully cover leaving my front fully exposed creating a window for my penis to stretch and breath fresh air. Sam is laughing the time and reaches to steal a roll of gauze claiming that they’ll have to cut it off.
The nurse returns with a wheel chair and I inform her its would be better if I walked. She leads us to triage as my penis follows with me and Sam following closely behind. Into curtain #4 we enter as the nurse swings the hanging partition closed. She tells me to lie down the stretcher and tells me to relax as she inserts a lead needle into my left hand. Sam sits to my right and holds my palm, watching the nurse connect an IV drip, and asks if I could get any morphine for the pain. The nurse laughs and says it won’t be necessary as the doctor will be in soon and soon enough he’s here with two hands on my schlong.
Doctor: Are you experiencing blurry vision?
Doctor: Any headaches?
Doctor: Do you suffer from any heart conditions?
Paolo: No, doctor. I’m only 21 years old!
Doctor: And you got drunk, couldn’t get it up, and took Viagra so you wouldn’t get embarrassed in front of your girlfriend over here?
Sam: There’s nothing to be embarrassed about! Right doctor? A great deal of men suffers from ED.
Paolo: I don’t have ED.
Sam: Not tonight you don’t!
Doctor: I’ve going to have to drain you.
Paolo: Excuse me?
Doctor: You’re suffering from Priapism. I’m going to have to create a shunt.
Paolo: I’m sorry doctor, but I don’t understand.
Doctor: There’s too much blood flow, I’m going to have to stick a needle in your penis and drain the excess blood.
I wake and notice Sam has fallen asleep on a chair next to me. Something vibrates by my right leg and I pick up. It’s Moe, he tells me he just got out of work and is on his way to the hospital. Sam wakes up tells me for a guy with a really big dick, that I’m the biggest baby she’s ever met. I tell her to come closer and tell me it to my face to so I can hear her. She stands, sits by my side and leans towards my face. I kiss her.
Sam: Careful, you don’t want them to have to stick another needle in your dick.
Paolo: No, thank you.
Sam: No, I’m sorry. I should have told you.
Paolo: Told me what?
Sam: Moe gave me a $100 to take you to the hospital. He told me everything.
Paolo: He told you everything?
Sam: Yeah, he told me you have a drug addiction and accidentally took a Viagra from one of the rooms. So here take the $100.
Paolo: No keep it, it’s yours.
Sam: I don’t want the money. I’m just glad you’re okay.